I knew I lost the light and was moving through the night, running from the grand ennui.

  Man, I'm stressed out. Otis isn't helping. Every evening after supper, we spend about two hours trying to keep him from digging up the carpet or tearing up whatever he can. He wants to go back out for a walk even though it's dark. I don't think he understands that, so he cries and fusses until he falls asleep. It's irritating as hell.

 I don't why I'm stressed out. It's definitely related to the bad case of the blues I've had lately. We're in the middle of a week's worth of storms and rain, and I shut it down today. I've been doing that a lot lately, even on days following a better-than-average night's sleep. It's not that I'm not getting enough rest, it's that the world bores me and I run out of things to occupy my brain. So it's better to sleep than letting my mind wander into generally dark places.

 I'm tired of being here, man. I've got nothing to look forward to and the only thing I can think of that's keeping me on this planet is not wanting to do that to Momma. I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm defeated. I find myself outright lying to my Psych Doc and Therapist just so they leave me alone.

 This is like pulling teeth, man. I thought about doing this in the morning but thought maybe I'd be in a better frame of mind. Turns out I'm just lazier. I could volunteer for some Actual Paying Work but, frankly, my heart's just not into it.

 What is my place in this world? That's a strange question for a nihilist to ask, I guess. There's no point or reason to existence beyond what we make, and I have no problem with that. People find their niches, to play on the old cliche, and it doesn't mean a career or artistic pursuit or anything like that. I truly believe my brother's found his niche as a husband to his wife. She's had a bad run of luck and needs someone to support her. Same thing with many of my friends and their marriages/relationships.

 It took me a long time to accept that, I admit, but I still don't think it was ever in the cards for me. I just can't figure out what it should be. I don't think it's this, not really. I don't know if I missed my time or how it works, but there is no point or need for what I'm doing here or The News. It's been done and done and done, but I really don't know of anything else I can do.

 I've put it down here before, but I never thought I was a legit writer. It was just the first thing I did that someone told me I did well. This and trivia, and apart from Jeaprody there's no way to make a living knowing random shit. I definitely never thought of myself as a reporter, not really, nor did I ever really want to be one.

 But here I am, at 46 and still no idea what to do with myself. I know being in my brother's place isn't in the cards, but I'm admittedly surprised he's in it himself. It's not something to hang my hat on, though. I don't know, man. It just seems like a huge waste of time, all of it. One day after another.