Better late than never, I guess.

 It's past midnight and I forgot to write anything. I mean, I thought of this earlier in the day but I figured I'd knock something out after supper. I got to playing Dragon Age II and let time slip away from me.

 I understand why people knock on this game, particularly compared to Dragon Age: Origins and Dragon Age: Inquisition. It's nothing new, gameplay-wise, and it's probably a step-down. It's certainly streamlined from what DA:O had for you. And the story's a bit rambling compared to DA:O, I get that.

 But I like it. For one, I like the setting. Some people gave it shit for being in just one city and a few outdoor spots, but the city has some depth to it, and being able to switch between night and day gives it more variety. On a night mission in Lowtown and need to buy some potions? Well, too damn bad. Hopefully, you can get something off all those thugs that keep attacking you.

 And I like the story. Political intrigue that you're not the center of but get swept up in anyway. Very noir, very Phillip Chandler. It's still the traditional mages-elves-dwarves setting but with a somewhat different take on things, very much like Terry Pratchett's Discworld but not quite as silly. There's some humor in it, though, and some Pterry call-outs. I just found something called "the last decent helmet" and I thought that was funny.

 As for the main character, well, I like Hawke, too. You don't have much to choose from, just their gender and their class, but they're a neat enough character. Just someone trying to do the best for their family in a bad situation as the world explodes around them. I play a male rouge Hawke who's a decent guy and loyal to his people but a bit of a smart ass and laser-focused on his goal, come what may.

 I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but the whole "the Chosen One" shtick in fantasy games grates/ The Dragon Age games don't have that. You're playing the world rather than just a character. The interactions are enjoyable, too. Not all the companions like each other, which is nothing new, but some outright loathe each other. I haven't had to dump one for another yet - something that's stymied me in Pillars Of Eternity II: Deadfire - but from what I know, it seems that will be impossible in this game.

 Hey, sue me. My characters are always heroes and nice guys and want people to get along. That's a hard enough line to walk in the real world. I don't really romance in games for the same reasons I don't romance in real life. I could've romanced everyone available to a male human in DA:O. I've got nothing against romanceable characters in games, I just don't care for them. That you can't dodge that in Baldur's Gate II without being a dickbag to someone. best I can talk and that's a mark against the game's story for me. But I'm just a cynical bastard with no romance in his soul, which should come as a shock to no one.

 Speaking of that, I need to get something out of my head. Twice in my adult life have I offered my heart and soul to someone and would've followed to the ends of the Earth. Both times it was rejected by someone who did care enough about me to have a physical relationship and try to maintain a friendship. So this isn't just me creeping on women. Both times I was told by people outside the issue that it wasn't what I thought it was and, thus, should be no big deal.

 Everyone else has been a friend and sometimes with benefits and when those benefits ended if we could stay friends, great. If not, oh well, that's how it goes. Had I more game or were better looking, I would've been hell back when I was on the hunt. And most of the women I've been involved with went after me because, as a general rule, I could care less. I just want to have a good time and wander through the world, and no one's been able/willing/interested in changing my ways.

 Maybe that's why I don't mess with romances in video games. I hate when it seems you're being herded into just for being a decent guy/girl/whatever you're playing. I wonder if that has something to do with the screwy way some kids seem to approach romantic relationships. But that's enough of all that. I need to get back to Thedas, y'all.

I've got nothing here.

  We're on the 18th day of the 2020 Presidential Election and I am tired. Tired of that nonsense, tired of all the pain in the world, tired of the world in general, just basically flat-out tired. I had one of those days where after letting Otis out for his morning ablutions and then both of us called it a day. We really didn't stir until about 3 p.m. and to be quite honest, I may go right back to bed once I hit word count. First, though, the News.

 I'm going to start with Friday. One of the reasons I'm disinclined to deal with the world is I heard yesterday that one of my oldest friends, someone I've known for almost as long as I've been alive, passed away earlier this week due to congestive heart failure. I wrote what I thought and felt about it there and I'm really not inclined to rehash any of it. All I will say, friends and neighbors, tell the people who are important to you they are every chance they get.

 The rest of the week was fairly normal, concentrating on the never-ending stomping of Trump's attempts to use the courts to overturn the election. Over and over again, whether it's Monday's revelation of Lindsay Graham's attempt to influence the Georgia election or Wednesday's revelation that the people trying to get ground in Michigan got it confused with Minnesota, it's been fairly laughable.

 It keeps going, too. The attempt to stir up stuff in Pennsylvania has been dismissed with prejudice, which means in legal turns don't bring this shit up anymore. He's still trying shit in Michigan but he dodged the G-20 teleconference on COVID-19 vaccine preparation to golf and bitch about getting beat. And while this is going on, El Paso has the National Guard coming in to help because their morgues are too full of people who died from the virus.

 But I'm not in the mood to talk about that no more than I'm in the mood to talk about the election. My friend's passing depresses me, sure, but it also reminds me that I haven't made a single attempt to reach out to anyone I knew before I left home for college over 25 years ago. I still don't want to, for whatever that's worth, but I sometimes wonder if I should. I don't really know if I have anything to say to them since our lives have been so different. Most of them got married (a couple of times) and had kids, plus the normal dopey shit adults deal with. I've spent the last 25 years either being suicidally depressed or having a good time blowing my mind however possible.

 It's as likely as not I'm just feeling guilty and sad for my friend's family. He's got a Momma and a brother. They're good people, too. I don't know if he ever married. Anyhow.

 I don't have really anything else, I guess. I dipped back into Pillars of Eternity 2, spending some time on the DLC's. I'm almost to the end of the game. There are three DLC's and three choices to follow at the end, so I think that's what I'll do to finish it.

 And that's word count, buddy. Let's hope we get some good news, in re the election. We could all use a break.

I was made to play the part.

 We're on the sixteenth (16) day of the 2020 Presidential Election. Though he has yet to accept the reality of the situation, Trump's chances are drifting further away and Joe Biden's victory becomes more solid. They recently finished up a count in Georgia, confirming his victory. After the election commission declined to challenge the Michigan vote based on a pair of GOP members' blatantly racist attempts to toss out votes from the predominately African American Detroit while ignoring more suspicious if predominately White communities, those same weasels said they wanted a do-over. It was past due, so nothing can come of it, but an interesting wrinkle is Trump himself took an active role in getting them to monkey with the count.

 And depending on how it's approached, that might be illegal. Much like how Senator Lindsey Graham's attempts to influence Georgia's count in his master's favor might be illegal, at that level it all depends on how bad they fumbled it and just who they've pissed off along the way. In any event, the Trump gang have withdrawn their lawsuit, saying it's served its purpose of, and I quote, "to stop the election in Wayne County from being prematurely certified before residents can be assured that every legal vote has been counted and every illegal vote has not been counted." In other words, they wanted to slow down the inevitable since the game was over Tuesday night, and that's supposed to be a victory. Otherwise, they're like 2-27 when it comes to lawsuits trying to change what can't be changed.

 So much for all of that. As I've noted a number of times, I am sick to death of writing about the election, just as I'm sick to death of writing about whatever soft-headed bullshit Trump and his goons pull next. Either as president or trying to be president again, I am tired of that fool's very existence. Don't get it twisted, I wish him no special or particular harm. I just long for the day when I don't have to worry about the bastard anymore. He's a cheap punk and we're not only a poorer nation for his presidency and the viler aspects of the American Psyche it encouraged, we're a poorer culture just because a half-wit greedhead like that can become president.

 Donald Trump is an example of the American Dream being a dead and lifeless thing. He didn't kill it, but if there was actually anything to it, he would've never become a celebrity much less President and Most Powerful Man in the World. That's just all there is to it.

 Okay, then, let's move on. I have some Actual Paying Work to do tonight. It's a different beast than the usual post for a law firm to snag Google hits. Not much different, mind you, and it's more a question of for whom it's written rather than the subject matter. Either way, it's not interesting to get too deep into. Which as much as anything brings me to my next stroke.

 I often wonder just how much I should share here. Politics, naturally, and pop culture recommendations/considerations, of course. However, I find myself reticent to get too deep into my own brain here. If we met in public and became friends, you'd shortly know just about everything I tell anyone, from my closest friend to my therapist. I'm that sort of cat, I wear myself completely on my sleeve, and what I wouldn't tell you I don't tell anyone.

 My past because, quite frankly, I don't find it all that interesting. I had a good time as much as possible and when I wasn't was when things got ugly. I don't really like talking about friends and family, past or present. I have nothing but love for everyone who rides the highways with me and I've forgiven everyone I thought wronged me, whether they did or it was just my take on things.

 I really don't care to talk about my romantic history because, not to put too fine a point on it, I really can't figure it out. It's the same stroke; when I had fun it was great, when I didn't it wasn't. I'm not good at relationships or intimacy, stayed faithful if boring. I've had way more "meaningless" sexual encounters than actual relationships and I regret none of them. I don't think many women who were part of the process regretted it much, either. No one holds it against me, at least.

 The only problem, if it is indeed a problem, is it sometimes bothers me at just how inept at it. My brother celebrated his eighth anniversary earlier this week. My cousin recently hit her twenty-fifth. Some of my closest friends have recently clocked ten years together. My parents were together 44 years before my father died.

 I don't understand any of it. My last girlfriend is a wonderful human being and was in love with me. I was not in love with her, or at least I don't think. She's still one of my Better Angels and is better off with her current fella. Most of the ones before her I haven't talked to in at least five years. No real reason, just when it's over I think it's over.

 There's no regret or wistfulness at losing their affection, either. If they never think of me, fine. Indeed, the one woman I actually burned for and wanted body and soul... well, let's just say I could've had a one-night stand if I wanted. She was right there and ready to go, believe you me. But that one time it wasn't enough to have sex and go on with life. She still drifts across my mind, but I'm so glad I'm not the man in her life now, some fifteen years later.

 At the time, passion clouded my thinking and desire destroyed reason. When it fell through because she chose someone else - someone she told me regularly treated her shitty but she "couldn't have two men in her heart" - I was miserable for six weeks or maybe three months. I couldn't understand why she didn't choose me when I told her I would give her anything I could and, at the time, I meant it. I would have given her the whole world. At the time.

 Nowadays, I'm happy she's happy with her life, and she is, just as I'm extremely happy I'm not the father of her children or even who she sees when she first wakes in the morning. Was it love? I still don't know and that bothers me. I know I've never felt like that for anyone since, even for women who wanted that from me and I couldn't give it. That question bothers me, but not because I wish things were different. I just don't like not knowing something and I guess that's something I'll never figure out.

 Well, neighbors, that's enough of that nonsense. Back to politics, country music, and video games, I say. We're having fun and, in any event, it's like that old New Orleans saying.

 It is what it is.

What Goes On In The Dark Will Soon Come To Light

  I was in a fairly decent mood yesterday but it's evaporated since. It's not the raw-nerves problem that's been peeking here and there, just a case of the red ass. I'm having a lot of those these days. Anyhow, here are the links to this week's News.

 It was actually a pretty good week. They're not really "Deep Dives" officially, but I think I did some pretty good work. Monday we looked at the nomination process of Amy Coney-Barrett, why so many find her objectionable and why the GOP fired up for her getting the Supreme Court seat. We dug into the odds and ends of the current thing about Hunter Biden Wednesday and why it's probably bullshit. Wingnuts have a serious boner for it and aren't letting it go, though it's base claims don't hold up. Worse, the press wants to make a bigger deal out of it than is necessary while ignoring Trump leading a "Lock Her Up" chant in Michigan just a week after a bunch of goons was arrested for planning to kidnap Gov. Gretchen Whitmer.

 Friday was a clean-up of the bizarre town hall special Trump gave where he came off not only as someone's crazy-ass uncle but also barely concerned with his job. We also got caught up on how COVID-19 was doing Mississippi, and the answer is "like a baby treats a diaper." I got a good number of readers over the week, and that's much appreciated.

 Beyond that, I don't know. I've been in a weird melancholy frame of mind today to go along with the sour mood, so that's fun. Weird as it sounds, I'm sort of missing being a young man and indulging in those first few weeks of a new relationship. I'm talking early twenties, not the heavy serious ones, but that type of relationship where you might fool around for a couple weeks and still be friends when it's all over. Back when living in a trailer wasn't a sign of poor life choices and staying up all night doesn't hurt quite as much.

 It's a different vibe from your thirties, the more serious-type relationship, but I never was any good at those. Probably because I never really matured in my lifestyle past 27 or 28 or so. One of the reasons I'm sort of glad my sex drive disappeared is I started feeling awful that none of those worked out and everyone went out of it like she'd wasted her time on me. Which she probably did, I'm not going to lie.

 So much for all that. I got back into Charlie Stross's "The Laundry Files" series. I really like the story. For what it's worth, a math/computer nerd inadvertently comes up with a geometrical do-what that can draw gibbering Lovecraftian horrors into our world, so he's recruited by a hidden British governmental intelligence organization that protects man from things that are best not known.

 However, it's less James Bond kiss-kiss-bang-bang and more Len Deighton's miserable bastard civil servant spy, which is apparently closer to the truth. Stross is a clever writer and does some neat world-building. That being said, I have a hard time believing that every government involved in this game would be able to keep that off the public's radar for any length of time. Greed, animosity, apathy, and just plain stupidity would pop that bubble sooner than later, I think.

 I don't know what else to tell you.

I'm hard to hold and too damn mean to die.

 I stayed up too late last night playing Pillars of Eternity II and slept most of the day. I'm in a foul mood for some reason. Not blue, more pissed off or what Momma calls "the red ass". Hey ho.

 We've had a pretty good week, News wise. We talked about Trump's "executive orders" he signed last weekend, what they mean, and whether or not they were worth a damn Monday. On Wednesday we discussed the impact of Sen. Kamala Harris as Joe Biden's pick for Vice-President and just how much good it will do him once November rolls around. Finally, we did a wrap-up on Friday, touching on the post office shenanigans, COVID-19 in Mississippi, and the whole return of the birtherism bullshit that you just know conservatives have been thirsting for.

 There's lots of good stuff there. As I said, a good week for the News and a pretty good week for this here Gibbersh, frankly. Plus, my Actual Paying Work went over well, so it's BDE all around. For all that's worth. Like I keep saying, no matter how much I write, no matter how much I tell myself and other people that I am, I really don't feel like a writer. I don't even know how to feel like a writer, and that's what's pissing me off the most.

 I've been a bit obsessed with my "middle-aged bachelor" status lately. Don't get it twisted. I am glad I am alone, don't wish anyone was in my life, and however bad someone broke my heart, I'm glad she's doing what she wants elsewhere with another dude. Still and all, it bothers me sometimes just why that is and why I'm not one of those twisted, miserable assholes who're single because they're shitasses about women and how they treat them.

 I figured out long ago that being in a relationship was not for me. Only twice I wanted to try, and both times were absolute disasters. My best relationship was with my last ex, and that started as a "friends with benefits" deal. Unfortunately, she fell and wanted something more when I was happy hanging out for a couple days, screwing each others' brains out, and then me going home for a week to be by myself. That's probably on me, I should've split sooner, but she's still one of my closest friends and her current dude is a friend as well. Plus, he does what I didn't want to do, so bonus all the way around.

 Hmm. I'm close to five hundred words, and you know what? I really don't feel like digging into this particular topic anymore. Nor do I feel like expanding on Pillars of Eternity II, which is a great game and a worthy successor to the original. I had considered writing about the dust-up I had with a Sanders dead-ender on Twitter earlier in the week, making for one of the few times I've been antagonist with someone on social media for going on five years. It eventually turned into "you really care about what I think" from him despite me telling him over and over I did not, nor was his lack of enthusiasm for Biden the source of my irritation with his ilk.

 Once they turned into just another Twitter troll, it was no longer worth the effort. However, it was nice to blow my top on someone and let lose a little tension, especially since I don't have access to good weed these days. Okay, that's word count and supper's about done. Maybe I'll come back, but I'm more inclined to sleep some more and then play some more PoE2. So there you go.

I was made to play the part. I was born with a broken heart.

 I don't really have a good excuse. I didn't feel like doing this before my nap, and once I started my nap, I wasn't really in a mood to stop. Again, no real reason why. That's just the way it goes some days.

 Unfortunately, one of the corporate entities that pays me for Actual Paying Work changed the format for the copy I provide, so now I've got to go back and rework what I did that day before yesterday so it fits. And I'm just coming off a big supper so all I want to do is sleep. First-world problems, I know.

 Anyhow. I'll be doing both as the evening wears on and at least try to finish this by midnight. I don't know what the hell I'm going to roll with, though. I had a few ideas bouncing around my head this morning but nothing stuck, obviously. So, we'll see. Right now, I'm going to get back to the APW.

 Okay, I'm done. This new format is less fun - and this gig wasn't the source of much fun to begin with - but it does seem easy to knock out for the bread. And, really, isn't that what really matters in this world? So we'll just fill this out to the word count and get 'er done. It's twenty till eleven, so let's get cracking.

 I have decided in recent years my motivation in life has been and continues to be Have As Much Fun As Possible. The dark times of misery and depression come from when I tried to work against this. Having a straight job - in journalism or writing or anything - has never worked out for me. Having a Steady Someone has worked out even worse. In that, I'm only in it for the Fun and when she inevitably decides to check it out it's always because I'm not in this for the long haul. It's probably a good thing for everyone involved that I'm not particularly good looking or charismatic.

 Every woman I've been involved with, it's ended because she either got bored with playing around or she realized she needed to look elsewhere for something more. This usually takes about six weeks to six months. My last ex hung it out for nearly three years, but we both came to decide after the end it would've been best if we'd had gone the "just friends (maybe with benefits)" route from the get-go.

 In my defense, that's all I ever tried to do. Another former pelvic affiliation said I had sociopath tendencies because I can't conclusively say I'd ever been in love. However, she was a virologist, so I took that with a grain of salt. The last ex was a therapist and she said I was good. I might be on the autistic spectrum but not a sociopath. That's a good thing.

 It does bother me a bit that I've never been able to make the Love thing work. I'm not one of those ones who says it can't happen. I've seen it happen, more than once, with my own eyes. I mean in real time, people falling in love, pledging their lives to each other, and remaining stuck to each others' hips for at least the next 10 years. Kids or no kids, I've seen it both ways. 

 For me, even thinking of such makes me want to run screaming for the hills. I figured out a long time ago, mind, that "friends with benefits" is as far as I care to go. Somewhere about five years ago I lost all interest in sex physically, regressing back to when I was 12 and touching girls was icky. So here I am at 45 and will probably spend the rest of my life on my own, unless something like what happened to Epictetus comes into play. I am nothing but cool with it, but I won't deny it bothers me that I can't figure out why it is.

 Okay, that's the word count. It's been a weird day and this is probably more information than you need. There's plenty of stuff for News tomorrow, so we'll leave it there and worry about that tomorrow. Take it easy.

Friday, February 14, 2020

 So, it's Valentine's Day. Does anyone really like Valentine's Day? I mean, beyond the people making money off it, like candy makers and romantic restaurants, they must love it. But most you see is either people moaning about being single on V-Day or MRA dudes getting their knickers in a twist because that's what they do.